I promise no more bra on head photos, with Olga gone its hard, no bra fits my head quite like she did. As Mo suggested I think I am suffering from P.O.D, otherwise known as Post Olga Depression. I wonder if her past hosts also suffered from this affliction? This is said in jest, just in case I confuse you with the serious tone of the rest of this post.
All the photos I have posted lately of me, where all taken on the same night after I had had a drink or two. I feel the need to say this, as you know I have stated quite a few times that I hate my photo being taken. Well it was still just me taking the photos, there is something about having a bra on your head that makes photo taking less yucky. Also I had kinda promised myself that I would post more photos of myself especially to mark occasions in my life that I want to remember. I probably picked the photo's that looked the least like me, which probably sounds strange because they are all me.I find myself looking at the pictures, then in the mirror and trying to fathom what I really look like.
In this post Me, me, me and me again I wrote about my feelings about having my photograph taken and my own motivations for change, one big one was the wedding back in June, where I was a bridesmaid. The wedding was lovely and everything apart from me being a bridesmaid was lovely. I just didn't enjoy the experience at all and have refused to look at the pictures or watch the video. I hope it doesn't come across as me being ungrateful, I loved being a part of the wedding and loved the fact that I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I caught a glimpse of one of the photo's of me from that day and felt sick, if I could of got away with stealing it and shredding it, I probably would of. Instead I just put it back and acted like I hadn't even seen it. I know Emma is probably pissed off with me for not wanting to watch the wedding DVD with her, but it would be hard to watch it through a pillow over my face.
I knew this would be hard and that I wouldn't get over it over night, but I think I have took a few baby steps and I find myself going back to that me, me, me and me again post just to read all the wonderful things people wrote in the comments. I am not sure if this post counts as a progress report, because I am not sure I have made much progress? On one hand I have posted and photographed myself more in the last few months than ever before, on the other hand it is still only myself taking photos.
I have loved the silent movie star suggestions in regards to my photos below, they certainly knew how to express a myriad of emotions by just using facial expressions and wonderfully expressive eyes. I continue to love photography and photographs of other people, even the odd bra on head photograph.
Who knows what I will post next?
Posts
I don't know one person who likes how they look in pictures. I'm glad that you found a way to make it more tolerable because you ARE gorgeous and need to just get over your phobia :) If drinking and bras on your head are required, so be it!
ReplyDeleteWho knew a bra on the head was the secret to personal security?
ReplyDeleteOne of those little-heard secrets to great photography, I suppose.
I think the difference between you taking the photo and someone else taking a photo is control. You can control what the photo looks like, and which photos get sent to the recycle bin. One thing I learned from working with candid photos in the newspaper business is that what may be a very popular and interesting photo to strangers is often not the most flattering to the subject. I love taking candid photos, and yet one of my best friends told me that I take hideous people photos. :)
ReplyDeleteAll that said, I think the Claire/Olga series is gorgeous.
You may single-handedly revive interest in the silent film genre.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I completely understand looking at one's self on the net. It took a lot for me to get over it and just do it for my first self-portrait post, which I hated, but it got the point across, I think.
(I didn't really have any readers way back then, but one of the side effects were that people could put a face to the blog which people usually respond to positively, unlike Tommo/Max/cast of characters, of course.)
I go through times where I'll let a picture get snapped and other times, I run.
ReplyDeleteI think it depends on how I'm feeling about me in that particular moment.
I don't understand how you feel about photos of yourself. I am an older and fatter woman and I hate to see myself in photos for those reasons. What could you not like about yourself. I've seen your face in photos and enough of the rest of you to know you are lovely, more than lovely really. Give yourself a break and see how gorgeous you are.
ReplyDeleteClaire, here's the deal...you are a gorgeous young woman, and I am happy to call you one of my blog friends. Anything I might say to you is just in jest, and I completely understand your feelings toward Olga. ;) Now, go have a little drinky-poo and don't worry about your image. I think your eyes, and your personality, are gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteI hate having my picture taken, too - but YOU are very photogenic!
ReplyDeleteSuch loverly eyes.
Best of luck with your POD.
Truth be told, I hate seeing pictures of myself even more than I hate having pictures of myself taken. Generally, the way I look at it, the only thing missing is the bridge and the three billy goats!
ReplyDeleteI know you have issues with yourself now, but wait til you are 40 - THEN you will really want to cry! Wrinkles, and age spots (also called freckles) and saggage.... Just shoot me now, k?
ReplyDeleteAnyhoo, if I may be so bold, I'd venture that the pictures are a small part of the big picture. I'd also venture that for whatever reason, you feel inferior in some ways even tho black and white things suggest otherwise. Forgive me if I am out of line, but you once stated that we are so alike its scary. I see so much of me in you. And I hope for so much more for you because I see so much potential and heart. Aw geez, maybe I'll just send you an email...
I think most of us feel odd having photos taken, and can be critical of ourselves, I know I can.
ReplyDeleteBut face it ... everytime you go out in public it's like putting a photograph of yourself out there ... we just don't see it. So we're not used to seeing how we look ... only other people are.
That's why when I see a photo of me and I think it looks nothing like me...and everyone around me says It looks just like me and I look loevely, I'm surprised! LOL
Don't be so critical. You really are lovely. Very pretty. I mean I get that some photos are better than others ... but the ones I've seen of you really are wonderful.
I read your sidebar again. I'm listening. Keep talking.
ReplyDeleteDr. .45 says:
ReplyDeletePhotographing yourself is kind of like learning to swim. Sometimes you just have to jump right in. The best way for you to do this, I think, is to take a few rolls of nude photos and send them directly to me. Since I'm not using my blog, you won't have to worry about them being posted immediately, but I can promise that I will make them into a screensaver that has transitions synched to the music of ABBA. I may even put it in the special features section of my naked jump-rope DVD.
I absolutely hate my picture taken, and hate seeing photos of myself - probably why I'm always behind the camera lens. My reasons are that I am a lot older and I don't look like I feel anymore.
ReplyDeleteYou are young and very attractive. Everybody out there knows exactly what you look like. You can't hide from them, only yourself.
What you see in a photograph is a still image. What you are, and what people see, is a living, breathing person, with a personality that shines out. They are two totally different things.
@Melissa, Drinking and Bras help, but its not therapy I can recommend :)
ReplyDelete@Jenn, Although I cant be seen to be endorsing bra therapy, I suggest you try it :)
@haleyhughes, you are absolutely spot on about the control issue, knowing that I can delete them is the only reason I can take photos of myself. I love candid shots, they catch a moment in time, but just not of myself.
@Redbeard76, I wouldn't mind that, some of those movies and actresses were cool. I absolutely love seeing photographs of all my blog chums, as it makes me feel like I know them a little better. In real life when I talk to someone I am big on eye contact so maybe that's part of it too. I hope people feel like that they can chat to me here, just like in real life.
@Diva, at the moment I am still firmly in the run category, no matter what my mood is. I can feel fantastic, but as soon as its photo time, bleck!
@Laura, I wish I could see that, I would probably really sicken you if I wrote a list down about everything I don't like about myself. Its not about being lovely its about just even looking at photo and not even noticing myself, instead of feeling sick. I hate this aspect of myself as I don't judge anyone by their looks.
@Carol, I know you jest, that's why I love you. I am known to jest myself :) it means more that you say my personality is gorgeous.
@Mo, Think you for the POD diagnoses it made me smile :)
@Linda, It sounds stupid coming from me, but I wish you wouldn't say that about yourself.
@Petra ~ We are definitely scarily similar and you can email me anytime.Doing this counselling diploma is like opening a can of worms, it may be bloody painful but there is a reason for it. Going through all this crap now will hopefully help me help other people.
@Drowsey Monkey, I am my own worse critic, I should be fired! lol :) Thanks for the lovely words.
@Relax Max, Thank you :)
@Dr.45, you sir, always make me smile, but even the naked jump rope cannot persuade me to send you naked photos. What would make me feel better, is either you being on the east coast in september or you blogging again.
@Babs (Beetle), What you wrote about the photo and person being two totally different things is so true. I know I cant expect a photo to show what my personality is like, but for some reason I still expect it too.
Thanks for all comments guys, I just get so pissed off with myself and struggle to put things into words that accurately say what I am feeling. I am for the most part a fairly confident being, who is not vain and doesn't judge people on what they look like that at all. Then there is this other side of me that gets upset because she has no photos of herself with her nephews,sisters and friends because she hates photos that much.
You answered my question in your response to Petra. I was wondering if your courses were causing you to be more introspective and bringing things to the surface. It's so good to know the things that trouble you and to be aware of them. It helped me tremendously to know that I have a diagnosis that I can study and recognize when things are happening.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you that you are quite pretty over and over again. But until you believe it and can accept it in your eyes, you're not going to accept it as fact. We are our own worst critics, I fear...
Sending love your way...
~~~Blessings~~~
It says you are self imploding. Does that have anything to do with breast enlargement? Because that sort of thing is fucking ace.
ReplyDeletePerhaps writing all this out is what can help you. Gives you a better understanding of yourself and what not. Even if I don't understand why you feel this way, I do know that one day you won't feel that way. One day you'll listen to yourself and have an "aha" moment and things will get better.
ReplyDeleteClaire, you are beautiful inside and out. Well, ok, I don't mean like your kidneys and liver and stuff, because I'm sure they are quite icky looking (everybody's are) I mean your inner being. You have a good soul.
ReplyDeleteYou are funny, smart, and quite the looker.
You're the total package, kiddo. I'm so glad I "met" you.
@wolfman, The boobs are big enough to never need breast enlargement. Also boobs imploding sound rather bloody painful and yuck.
ReplyDelete@Chica, Writing stuff down is certainly helping me and I love what you wrote here
"One day you'll listen to yourself and have an "aha" moment and things will get better."
For me getting these thoughts out and down in a post, reading comments like yours and taking a step back, all help me out a lot. Its much better than just having it all rattling around in my head.
@Joe, Your a lovely man and I am glad I have 'met' you :)
Oddly, I've been getting a lot of out-of-the-blue contacts lately from people back East trying to get me to visit. Since I'm trying to get a movie written by October, however, I don't see either thing happening in the immediate future (okay, I may try a couple things out on the blog).
ReplyDeleteHaha, love the comment about the drinking and bra on head. That sounds like fun =P But seriously I understand how you feel about getting your picture taken and feeling unpretty. I actually used to suffer from body dysmorphic disorder and used to be a lot worse. I still struggle sometimes, but not as bad as it used to be. Remember though that the most sexiest thing is not one's looks, but it is one's confidence. ~
ReplyDeleteHey - I LOVE having my picture taken! Hang with me babe...'cuz together, we DO make a terrific pair! ;)
ReplyDelete(PS: You are beautiful - so shut up!)
xoxoxxo
I love to be the one behind the camera...not in front of it, though and I probably never will.
ReplyDelete