Claire gets Horny

On researching this post I could not help but feel rather horny with all that talk of dongers and dangly bits, it made my honey pot start to throb. But what could I do about it now? Watch James Bond again and be partly satisfied when Daniel Craig get his todger whacked in that rather nice torture scene. There is something about the way he wields a 45 caliber pistol that gets me going, ah hem, anyroad back to the story.

Now I have put all that research into context, using a purely fictional tale, that may sound true, but it is all for the post, honest.

This is the 'How a chap gets his leg over' tale

If a chap happens to feel horny and his John Thomas starts talking to him, he will attempt to approach a female, if that's what persuasion tickles his fancy. If he does find some talent that is receptive to him, what will he do next?
Hopefully he will show some restraint, especially if they are down the local Red Lion pub and will not attempt to shag her right there and then. This would not go down well with the locals, as its just not the done thing here in Britain. He should buy her a sherry or whatever the ladies drink of choice is and begin to woo her. If he is feeling pretty flush a bag of pork scratchings wouldn't go a miss.
So far so good, the chap has found a girl that looks all fur coat and no knickers, a bonus in this type of thing. He is chatting her up and she is receptive to rather vigorous snogging session, which then caused a rather large stonker. Things have now progressed to such a level that he grabs the ladies hand and persuades her to leave the public house with him, he uses his coat to cover the noticeable trouser tent.
Things are still looking good, the happy couple are now in the alley/bedroom/car/wherever and have resumed snogging, there is even some under the clothes groping.
Once he finally had had a butchers at this birds rather nice bussom, his purple headed womb broom was getting fit to burst. It was going to be a quickie this first time, but hopefully he could go on and give her a good seeing to.
There was a bit of aggro with her tights but soon he was banging away, there was no fannying around for this chap.
Now he had gotten what he wanted, what about the lady in question? Was it good for her?
Her reply:

"I suppose it was better than a slap in the face with a wet kipper"

Please keep reading the post for more rude erm I mean an in depth linguistic journey into the world of horny Brits.

Now for the in depth study into the word Horny, what is the etymology and linguistic origin of this word. Hang about? You weren't just expecting smut now were you? Well if you want smut then you must be at least somewhat educated before you get some.

The word horn in this context has been knocking about in the written form since the mid-18th century, referring to an erection because an erection is horn like apparently, not that I would know this of course. There is also some other bumpf about it being something to do with a horny horned egyptian god, but that was bloody long and too complicated to read.

So from horn you get horny, which now applies to males and females, it's a lovely unisex phrase.
A few definitions found on the interweb, please don't read if you are easily aroused or likely to be offended by sexual terms. In fact don't read any further, just look at the cartoon or something.

1.Horny Definition 1.

2.Horny Definition 2.

3.Horny Definition 3.

Right so now you are up to date on horny and hopefully still with me? Lets hope I am not going arse about face with all this info.
If you are feeling horny as defined in the links above. You are feeling sexually aroused, your heart rate has quickened and different parts of you are affected depending on what sex you are. I have compiled a delightful list of various names that you may come across, literally or not. Some of these will cause offense, so please don't go about saying them willy nilly.

Female Bits: Growler, Gash, Hairy clam, honey pot, lady garden, quim, spunk bucket, twat, vadge, minge, muff, badly packed kebab, bearded clam, Chuff, clout, Flange, Fadge, fanny, front bottom, bucket fanny, clown's pocket.

Male/dangly Bits: Cock, prick, beef bayonet, bell-end, chopper, custard chucker, dong, donger, German helmet, knob-end, John Thomas, knob, lad, langer, length, , maggot, member, middle leg, mutton dagger, old chap, old fellow, old man, one-eyed trouser-snake, percy, pink cigar, pocket rocket, pork dagger, pork sword, pud, purple-headed warrior, purple headed womb broom, sausage, skin flute, spam javelin, tallywhacker, todger ,tool, trouser snake, widgy, willy, winkle

Male dingly bits when affected: stonker, stiffy, biggie, pitch a tent, semi, trouser tent, morning glory, get it up, hard-on, lazy lob, lob on, pan handle, stalk, wood,woody,

Actually 'Doing it': How's your father? Slap and tickle, bunk up, leg over, quickie, seeing to, shafting, Bonk, bang, shag, stuffing, trouser action, humping, on the job, quickie.

Hope this explanation and these terms help to bring the British language into your every day usage. If I have missed out anything please let me know and I will add it to the list.

PS. Horny is also a synonym for the devil! So beware of his/her many forms, not meaning me, heh.
PPS. Internet lingo: iah - i am horny, also not actually me.